moving cheese

A good friend gave me a copy of Who.Moved.My.Cheese for my birthday last night. She knew I had misplaced mine and just wanted to sit down an read it again for the first time in a few years.

I feel life pressure right now.

I haven’t worked out more than 2 days out of the last 7 and feel like I’m failing at getting myself together for this triathlon which is now almost 7 weeks away and I haven’t signed up for it yet. The workouts were supposed to be my sanctuary and I’m not doing what I need right now. Plus, Lo was hemming and hawing about me spending money on this triathlon thing and what if she gets a job and has to work that day, etc. I got frustrated that she was unsupportive, but didn’t push it until I felt like I was running out of time to register. I pushed the issue, we fought a little bit about why I am doing this, then I went online to discover that the one I wanted to do was sold out as of that morning. Sigh. I am trying to have a come.to.jesus with myself to see if I am going to get my ass in gear to do the one that is local and probably should have been my first choice anyway. I feel like I need to do this for myself.

We are moving back into our home this weekend after a family party tomorrow (on Lo’s side of the family in which her brother and his kids are not invited because my crazy psycho in-laws have disowned them and I sorta-kinda wish they would disown us to and get out of Shmoo’s life).

A grand total of 3 people have looked at our home after a realtor caravan, media blitz, open house and $30k-below-identical-homes-in-our-complex pricing. We are moving back in and I am going to refinance. I spoke to the bank, AGAIN. I can’t get a straight answer, but even if they do modify me, it sounds like all they will do is extend my loan.

I can’t intentionally default on my loan because it is not a good career move for me as a licensed attorney and officer of the court and also because modification programs will most likely reject me if it appears to be an intentional default.

On Tuesday, I got a call back from the job-that-I-thought-I-really-wanted-but-it-was-way-too-low-level. They wanted me to come back up for a 3rd and final interview. Even though I told them in my last interview that I needed them to come up with 45% more salary before I would consider the position. I almost had a panic attack and had to talk it out with my mom (who told me not to try to overplan my life so much with the job and condo and everything).

I found a good place and called the H.R. woman telling her that based on my current situation, I could not in good faith continue the interview process knowing that it just wasn’t going to be the position and salary that I needed to make the big move up there.

She was wonderful. It was such a relief and she seemed genuinely disappointed but hoped that another position that better suited me opened up. When I came into the office, I sent a follow-up email thanking her again. We wrote back and forth a few times with friendly banter and she notified me that she had the inside scoop on a job that might be perfect for me and would be posted soon! Maybe I am playing my cards right. I’m now stalking the boards to see if something is posted soon.

I felt relief over that. I didn’t want to be mad at this f’ing condo my entire life for being the reason I missed out on the job of a lifetime.

In the meantime, my frustration with my work is feeling like it’s hitting a boiling point. I almost totally talked back to my boss (which would not go over well) yesterday when he came into my office and told me to draft a letter on a file that he’s excluded me from all communications on. This was a small thing but it was the culmination of 100 things that have made me totally nuts lately. He stood in my office telling me word for word what he wanted in the letter as I frantically tried to remember shorthand from high school and write everything down. He has since asked me no less than 7 times for the letter and all of the supporting documents (I had 5-7 hours of his other ‘urgent’ matters in front of it) and I just want to scream at him “I’m not a secretary, write your own damn letter” but I am refraining from that.

On Wednesday, I went with a friend of mine to an appointment at the neurologist. For weeks, she’s gone from complaining about carpel tunnel symptoms to then convincing herself she has M.S. She’s completely and totally made herself crazy over it and she’s not handling it well. There is no answer currently, but the test I had to attend with her was not fun and I was worried she was just going to have a complete breakdown. (I personally think it’s Lyme’s and not M.S.) We hope to find out results from an M.R.I. today. That’s in the forefront of my mind this morning.

Then, about 10 minutes ago, Lo calls me to tell me that her 17 year old nephew (the one who still lives in the home we’re currently residing in (for 24-48 more hours) and who didn’t show up for his high school graduation as we all waiting for him, the one who’s recently totaled a car, lost his job, two-timed his girlfriend and lost both girls as they found out about each other, been busted for pot by the cops and his father, stole thousands from his grandparents (Lo’s parents), maybe responsible for a home robbery, steals things from his siblings and sells them, started drinking and was found passed out on the floor a few nights ago with his head in his shoes in his bedroom, etc….that nephew). Well, he got into a fight last night and is now entering a mental breakdown. Lo is going to drive to Virginia with her sister-in-law to drop this kid off at his older brother’s apartment (the 20 year old immature nephew in the Navy who just married another totally immature 18 year old without inviting his own parents or us but somehow Lo’s parents snuck their way into and even gave him $ which he blew on crap instead of furniture). Oh my Lord.

Lo is going to do the 8-12 hour total drive with her and hope to be home at a reasonable enough hour in the morning to be able to sleep a little bit before the big family party. I am in no position to tell her how exhausted I feel and wish I wouldn’t be left alone with the boys all night.

This sums up my last 4 days. In a nutshell.

180 turn

It looks like we are making a 180 degree turn on the house thing.

I’m trying to look at all the reasons why we rushed to put the house on the market.

1. We’ve lost about $45,000 of value on our home since we bought it.
2. We have a balloon mortgage coming due January 2011 and we don’t have $260k
3. It would cost approximately $15k to refinance our mortgage to stay in our house
4. Selling would give me the flexibility to get a job anywhere
5. Selling now would get us out of this condo before everyone else we know tries to sell in 1-3 years
6. We could use something bigger than 2 bedrooms
7. I want a yard and a house
8. I want to be further away from my in-laws
9. I want to be out of the surrounding ghetto neighborhood
10. I want to be out of the place before everyone around us is renting making it that no buyer will be able to come in and finance

Reasons to stay:

1. We have a place to live
2. We do enjoy our neighbors within our community
3. We have a pool
4. We have our own space and don’t have to live with someone else

I really thought that I could put our house on the market at a deep discount (compared to others in our complex). I thought we’d get an offer fast and we would have to bring $15-20k to the closing table to get out. We’d live with Lo’s brother or my parents for 6-18 months to pay off the debt, save up for a new down payment and move on with our lives.

The reality is that in 8 weeks, we’ve had 3 people come look at our condo with zero offers. We have our family of 4 living in a makeshift 2-bedroom (with no wall separation) in-law apartment at Lo’s brother’s house with all of their family issues. It’s a shared kitchen (which isn’t so bad) and it adds 30 minutes to my commute each way. Lo’s oldest nephew (still living at home) is 17 and going through a pot-smoking, drinking, loser-life syndrome where he comes and goes as he pleases, eats all the food we purchase for the house and goes through the belongings of his parents and siblings for stuff to steal (he has not touched our things yet, but I would think he would try it eventually).

I’m spent.

I feel like if I refinance (and we’d need to ASAP because our current monthly payment is really astronomical), I’m going to be stuck in this place for YEARS longer than I ever wanted to.

However, if we refi, at least we’d be putting some more equity into the house and have some leeway if and when we tried to sell. And we’d have a place to live. A place that isn’t as terrible as I really feel about it.

At the suggestion of a friend, I called my mother to talk to her about this dilemma. If I stay in the house and refinance, I’m stuck there, I can’t look for a job across the state, etc. My mother simply told me that I need to stop overplanning my life.

I’m not going to take the far, far away job if they offer it to me. I can find something within a commutable distance and deal with it, especially if it’s more money.

I miss my house and my own space. Shmoo misses the house and keeps asking to go back there. I miss my bathtub with enough room to shave my legs. I miss my double sink and ironing board and AT&T.Uverse cable. I miss really having some place that we feel content.

I wish there was some crystal ball that could tell me what the right decision was. I wish we could win the lotto – not millions, just $75k – $150k would totally and completely make everything work out.

We are going to move back into our condo by the end of this week. I will probably start the process for refinancing next week. I can borrow $10k from my 401k and pay it back through my paycheck without penalty. Whatever cash we need on top of that to refi, I will put on a low interest credit card (making me cringe because we’ve worked so hard to get our credit card debt down to ZERO!) And we will lower our monthly payment by about $300-$400 while eliminating the threat of foreclosure with that damn balloon payment.

Segue: I am irritated that every single thing I have tried to do with my bank, my mortgage broker, the federal government, legal assistance, etc. cannot help me modify my mortgage unless I am in default. Even my own lender will offer me modification options if I am struggling to pay my mortgage or have missed 1-2 payments. However, since I am a solid borrower with excellent credit, decent pay and stellar borrowing history, they will not modify my loan (for free like they do with borrowers in default) to help me with my balloon payment but they will allow me to refinance with $15-$20k down to help me out. Thanks. (I did write a letter to the V.P. of the Wells.Fargo residential lending department stating just that and begging for a loan modification, but have not received, nor do I foresee receiving, any response whatsoever)

I guess the most important thing is having a home for my family and not creating any unnecessary chaos for my boys. I have a lot of hesitation about refinancing, but unless we get a magical offer for our house in the next week or so that is even close to reasonable, we have to go this route.

nickname revealed

We’ve been trying to come up with a nickname for Dylan.

Andrew’s just came about. We went from Andrew to Drew to Shmoo with maybe some variations in between. He’s now just Shmoo. And it fits.

Dylan, well….his personality hasn’t quite shown itself yet. He may definitely be much less “spirited” than his brother, maybe a little more mellow. He’s definitely much more content on average. But he’s also starting to get a little needier. I’m going to chalk it up to some teething and a head cold, not that we’re holding him too much.

We haven’t spent too much time on a nickname because nothing was really jumping out at us.

Leave it to Lo’s 15 year old niece to put the name together.

She called him Dylan. Then Dyl-meister.

Then Dyl.

Then Dyl pickles.

Now….

Mr. Pickles

And it’s been repeated and repeated and repeated. Now, everyone in the house is starting to call him Mr. Pickles.

Not sure if this is going to be as permanent as “Shmoo” but it’s his name for now.

Here he is, Mr. Pickles

dream job woes

So, had the dream job interview on Friday. Took the day off, got the oil changed and then made the long journey 2 hours away.

The entire drive there, I was thinking about how I would respond if they asked me what salary I was looking for. What if they asked me why I was looking to take a “step down” from my current position?

I played everything over in my mind and thought I was uber prepared.

When I walked in, I was met with by the C.O.O. of big university and the dream bossman. Both were incredibly cordial and apologized for what would probably be a 15-20 minute meeting since they were stacking up interviews. 20 minutes? yikes.

The conversation immediately started with “do you realize how administrative this position is?”

Even in the first interview, I did not get quite as much brutal honesty as I did on Friday. This is really probably not what I wanted. They totally overstated the job in the posting and I think they knew it (they acknowledged that pretty much all of their candidates where extremely overqualified).

We talked honestly and I said that while I would absolutely love to work for big university, I couldn’t uproot my family and change my whole life for the offered salary. When they asked what I wanted, I replied (may too low) and they didn’t laugh.

Who knows.

I left feeling better that if the house doesn’t sell, that I am not missing some incredible opportunity. I’m actually hoping that they call and tell me that I am just not the right person for the job. If they called and said they wanted me and would meet my salary request, then I’d really have a dilemma.

For now, I am realizing that I am still employed here and need to focus on being successful where I am rather than focusing so much on getting the hell out. This may take awhile and I need to be patient.

no more kids

We’re being practical about money since lately and one of the conversations that Lo keeps bringing up is our sperm storage bill at U.Conn.

She’s sure she’s done having kids and reminds me how hard 2 kids are, how old she is, how much space we have, etc.

I am pretty sure I’m happy with 2 boys too.

But the conversation about getting rid of the donor sperm is so final to me. I’ve been really putting it off and keep railroading Lo every time she mentions that we need to get rid of it and stop paying the storage bill.

I have to get over the last bit of hesitation I have. I don’t know why I’m hesitating at all. We have always been confident that we wanted 2 kids.

We are very into sports and have seen how hard it is for other friends with multiple kids to make it work with sports, activities, school, etc.

I know we are done and we’re both on the same page about it.

Why is it so hard for me to just LET GO OF THE SPERM?!?!?

It’s July and I’m back online

Where to begin?

I’ll have to start with a series of updates.

We’ll cover the job hunt, our crappy condo sale, our battle with my mother-in-law (which may be coming to a head), the boys, our 4th of July celebrations, Dylan’s almost-walking-ness, and lots more.

If anyone is still coming over to my blog to see if we still exist, the least I can do is treat you with some pictures.

These aren’t great photos (they are cell phone pics) but it’s a teaser until I get my act together and get more actual camera shots online.

The brief summary of our last few weeks (since I haven’t posted anything since June 18th) is this:

The job hunt
I was called back for the job, environment, boss, etc. of my dreams and have the 2nd/final interview this Friday. I am meeting with the BOMD (Boss Of My Dreams) and the C.O.O. of the school. Yikes! I call him the BOMD because I’ve been doing some online research on this guy and he’s interested in everything I want to do. He just published a book on the very thing I want to do with my career! The problem with all of this is that the position is still not going to work. I’m going on the interview but I’m going to prepare a letter in advance turning down the position with a flowery explanation about how much I would love to work there if a different position opened up. We’ve tried to look at this 1,000 different ways but I just can’t move across the state to take a 50% pay cut for a non-lawyer job no matter how much I want to.

Vacation!
I took 3 days off work 2 weeks ago and we drove up to Maine with Dylan. Shmoo drove up earlier with my in-laws and we stayed up there Wed – Friday. Shmoo stayed with the in-laws throughout and returned with them on Monday. It was nice but too much driving for us for what was really 1.5 days of Maine.

Here’s Dylan at the Sea.Dog in South Portland

It was very nice of my in-laws to take us since they always just took the grandkids alone. They paid for everything and they’re already talking about next year. I’m not sure I can do this again and I have a feeling some things will change with our relationship with them in the next year (I hope some things change).
But Shmoo had a great time going to Old.Orchard.Beach, Portland.Maine (we rode the Narrow.Gauge.Train and the Duck.tour).

After the train ride, Shmoo got a little toy train. The next day, we went on the duck boat that does a tour of downtown Portland, then goes out into the water in Casco.Bay. It was super cool. After the duck tour, Shmoo got off and had a question for the captain.

He went up and asked how the bus goes in the water and the driver showed him the bottom of the boat/bus.

Shmoo thought for a minute and said to us, “I have another question.” He then proceeded to go over to the driver and ask “And where do I buy toys?”

Car
We also had a come-to-Jesus about the car situation. Now, I do enjoy nice things and I am okay with my little Honda.Civic.hybrid but I enjoy Lo’s Lexus RX much more. Lo never wanted the Lexus and never really liked it. She likes simple and no frills. She’s been asking for a minivan for eternity. (She actually drove a minivan when we met and yet, I found her super hot anyway).

After sitting down and talking about money, I was finally convinced. We did it. The Lexus is gone and we are the proud new owners of a 2007 Dodge Caravan.

It’s costing us almost ½ of what we paid for the other car and it has almost 80k less miles! We were very proud of the deal we got both for our trade-in and for the new vehicle. I think we got it so cheap because of a scratch on the door. We could car less if it has a scratch! Knowing us, there will be many scratches from bikes, kayaks, other doors, etc. I think it’s the first time in my life I actually have no regrets about a car purchase.

a mobile Dylan

This kid is moving. I can’t believe it.

Here he is at 7 months and 1 week.

Life in general

We’re hanging in there. Life is a little chaotic. We’re fully in the in-law apartment at Lo’s brother’s house. It’s going ok. I’m missing our condo but I’m just so anxious to sell it. We priced it low to sell quick and have only had 2 people look at it in 3 weeks. Sigh. We’ll have an open house and a realtor caravan next week. If no one comes or makes an offer by the end of July, we’ll refinance and move back in.

I hate to think about refinancing because it means we’re going to have to sink $15-20k into it to refi and commit to staying there. Just when I’m looking for opportunities to take me elsewhere (and away from my in-laws), we’d be forced to stay since we can’t afford to rent it out. I’m not giving up hope on this yet. I keep believing that something is going to happen for us. I just don’t know what yet.

We’re still working on some behavior and discipline with Shmoo. I will be having a smackdown with my MIL soon. I think they are a major factor in some discipline issues and I’m not going to let them do to Shmoo what they’ve done to their other grandchildren.

In other total crazy news….to add more stress and challenge to my life, I quit weight.watchers even though I’ve only lost 20 lbs and need to lose 20 more. I quit WW because I joined the Y.M.C.A. and started training for a triathlon.

Yes. I said a triathlon.

Now, there was a time in my life when I weighed 135 and was athletic. Now, I’m a little smaller a walrus and am about as athletic as one. I’ve been a tennis player, soccer goalie, lacrosse player, softball player, skier, kayaker, etc. But I’ve never been a swimmer. Or a runner. Or a cyclist.

I’m feeling like I’m out of my mind. Furthermore, it’s only 10 weeks away and I feel like I’m never going to be ready for this!! Argghhh. We’ll see. Now that I’ve told people I’m considering doing it, I really have to follow through!

That’s our life in as much of an abbreviated post as I can handle right now.

In closing, please view a picture of Shmoo at our 4th of July BBQ. (My MIL’s family’s reunion BBQ which she wasn’t at because she doesn’t speak to really anyone in her family anymore. Probably because she’s right about something.)

shmoo and magoo?

So, when I was in a sorority in college….

Yes, I was in a sorority. A really girlie, pearl wearing sorority (nationally). Our chapter was a little more laid back than our national image, and we were the girls that the fraternities loved to party with.

Anyway, I had a pledge name in this sorority and it was “Magoo.”

It was fitting since I spend most of my life looking for things I’ve lost: my keys, my pens, my special important notes that I write on teeny, tiny post-its, my head, etc.

I was Magoo for 4 years and apparently it still fits.

On FB, I posted this pic of Dylan recently and my big sister wrote, “Magoo Jr.”

I don’t think he looks as much like me as everyone says (he looks like my mom) but everyone makes some comment about how he’s definitely mine.

Maybe Dylan is Magoo Jr. Maybe that will be his nickname? I’m not sure yet. Lo isn’t so sure yet either.

Shmoo and Magoo?

Who knows…

Also, a few little shmooisms (and he’s being a real pill lately. This move is making him test a lot. Need to reread 1-2-3 Magic)

– We used a watermelon for something Lo’s nephew was doing for school with the solar system. Since then, any watermelon is called “Mars.” Yesterday, I took Shmoo to the grocery store with me. When we walked through the produce section, he saw the watermelon display and got all excited “Mommy, Mommy! Look at all those Mars-es!”

- As he was putting together his train last night: “Mommy, I doin’ a great great great great great job putting together my Geotrax.”

- Helicopter is “hebbacobba”

College campus

Quick note:
I got a call for the job of my dreams. Just walked out of the interview and I loved the people I met with! I think they liked me too! Now, I’m sitting looking around this awesome college campus where I would love to work and I’m just so thrilled about the possibility of being here everyday and being part of this community.

Big problem though.

2 actually.

#1 if we don’t sell our house, I can’t consider taking a job 2 hours away

#2 is the big one

This position isn’t what they really advertised. It’s lower level. The pay is 1/2 my current salary and it’s a government/union job so there’s no room for negotiation even if I took on more responsibilities.

So…

Unless they include free housing and child care, I would have to turn it down if it was offered.

At least I came up and met these wonderful people. Maybe they’ll consider me if a bigger position opens up!

pee-pee size

I’m not sure I was ready for this.

Here’s an actual conversation between Shmoo and his BFF, K (who is a little well endowed):

K: I have a long pee-pee.

S: Me too.

K: No, you don’t Shmoo. You have a small pee-pee. Like this (holding up his fingers to show how small)

Seriously?

We have to deal with this already?

Boys.

MIL password

Same as the last few. If you want the password, please email me at hollykr1976 at yahoo dot com