Two Mommies and a Shmoo

Have you read Part I and Part II??? Are you bored to tears yet???

Okay, I wanted to post this before the weekend. Sorry for the length.

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Things started to really fall into place when I graduated from law school in May 2003. We were a little worried because we hadn’t really lived together for the past 3 years and now were combining our worlds 100%.

The job market was the worst in 20 years when I graduated, so I felt a pang of worry when I turned down a clerkship offer in Camden, NJ to move home to be with my girl. I had sent out 250 resumes and only had 2 interviews.

Instead of staying down at school and studying for the bar exam, I did it all on my own with an expensive audio program. I sat in the NF public library every single day for 13 weeks listening to bar review audio tapes and typing notes, taking practice exams, etc. It was horrible.

At the end of July 2003, I was getting ready to sit for the New York and Connecticut bar exams and I got a job offer the day before I left for Albany, NY. I got a low paying job based out of the town next to where we lived doing residential real estate closings. I jumped on it. (By low paying, I mean it was less $ than I made working at Bloomingdales out of college).

The bar exam SUCKED. I mean, it absolutely SUCKED. I took the NY state exam on a Tuesday, drove to Hartford, CT on Tuesday night to take the Multi-state exam on Wednesday and the Connecticut exam on Thursday. The highlight was checking into the hotel in Hartford on Tuesday night exhausted and defeated and having a knock on my door 5 minutes later. It was my girl!!! I was so happy to see her!

By Thursday afternoon, I finished and drove home. As I sat in horrible traffic, I felt that I had failed both exams, wasted the past 3 years of my life and barely had enough brain power left in me to find my way home. Miraculously, I passed both.

JOBS

It didn’t take too long for me to be out at my first job. About 15 people from my office drove up to New Paltz for our last minute wedding and we definitely had the biggest contingent up there!! This first job was filled with many 20 and 30-somethings (and some 40-somethings) who would become our closest friends. These are now the people we spend most of our fun time with. The job was rough and many of us are no longer there, but we gained a lot from the experience.

I was a road warrior. I spent most days in my car driving around the State of Connecticut (which is pretty small) doing real estate closings for relocation companies. It was draining and I quickly learned that I couldn’t do that forever. I lasted 11 months at that place before I found a job at a place I thought was was my golden ticket. It was a good learning experience, but after 2 years, I couldn’t continue there any longer. I applied for a job at a firm that seemed way out of my league and somehow, somehow ended up with it. Now, I’m hoping that in a few years (hopefully 5-6 more years), I can actually live up to be Lois’ “meal ticket”.

THE BABY

I NEVER thought I wanted a family. I liked kids and all, but I never had that dream of a family when I was growing up. Lois changed that for me. I definitely think it I wasn’t with her, I might not have considered starting a family.

We starting TTCing in May 2005. Lois was to go first since she was older and I was just starting my career. She had previously had cervical cancer and had a cone biopsy and two LEEP procedures, so she had to have a quick but painful thing called a cervical dilation to “open things up.”

She got pregnant on the first try with “Ziggy” the zygote. I was totally into this pregnancy, and she just wasn’t feeling that this was the one. This caused some arguments later when I felt that she wasn’t overly upset after the miscarriage.

At around the 12 week mark, she miscarried and it was horrible. The one doctor who was our primary at the time suggested Lois shouldn’t have a D&C and let nature take its course. One night in particular, Lois was cramping violently and in retching pain on the bathroom floor hemorrhaging. When I called this doc at 2 am, she suggested Lois try some Advil!

Needless to say, the bleeding went on for a month off and on. About 4 weeks after the miscarriage, Lois started bleeding more and more and was finally convinced to go to the ER. The doctor in the ER was horrified and wouldn’t do anything other than give Lois an IV and prepare her for a blood transfusion because she didn’t want Lois to bleed out! I was driving 95 mph back from the CT shoreline to meet her there. Lois had never had an IV in her life and still was apologizing to every doctor and every nurse for inconveniencing them.

We ended up having the D&C that night. The cute OB had shown up to perform it. There Lois was, IV in her arm, on the verge of bleeding to death and she looked up at me after cute OB left the room and said “she looks really good with her hair mussed up like that!” LOL

That was August 2005. We TTCed for several months before switching to the donor that was always Lois’ first choice. (She believed in looks over intelligence) And as of June 2006, we found out the first try with the new guy worked. 9 months later, after 2 months of bedrest for incompetent cervix, Andrew came crashing into the world and changed our lives forever.

HAPPILY EVER AFTER?!?!?

In the past 7 1/2 years together, we’ve gone through my mom’s best friend (a very inspirational person to me) dying of Lou Gehrig’s, my grandmother’s death, her reconnecting with her family, her grandmother’s continuous decline into Alziemer’s, being homeless for 7 months (thanks L and N!!!) due to a poor construction schedule on our condo, a health scare with her father, me totaling my Isuzu Trooper in 2002 hitting a jersey barrier only to be the middle car in a 3 car pileup on the Jersey Turnpike 7 days later in Lois’ car, some nights of Lois driving my intoxicated butt home from somewhere, trying to find our way out of intense debt, watching her niece and nephews “grow up” before our eyes, etc.

We have this amazing group of friends who make us realize that we must be good people to have such amazing friends around us! We continuously laugh about the life span of lesbian relationships being 7 years. We joke that even while we weren’t together every day when I was in law school, there is a formula about how much time we should consider passed during those 3 years. For example, 1 law school year is 1.5 regular years.

We still see the girls as often as possible. The settlement agreement had a pretty limited amount of time, and did not allow for ny deviations. In 7 years, Lois has occasionally got an extra hour or so here or there, but not much. The most disheartening thing is that many of her visits we had to pick up the girls or drop them off somewhere where they were just going to sit around and do nothing, just because KC didn’t want to give up anything, even if it was better for the girls. 

They are now 11 years old and they have their own schedules, camps, sports, friends, etc. So, we are not so rigid with the agreement, but when Lois is with them, it’s the same old comfortable relationship again. They are very different personalities and we really think they will be turning to us a lot over the years. Plus, having Lois in their lives will hopefully give them a different perspective so they will not act or treat people like their mother does.

Lois taught me a lot about relationships and what it takes to stay in one. I think I tested her in the beginning because I wanted the control. In every relationship I had ever been in, I was in control, rarely expressed my love and would get turned off by clinginess. I usually ended things when the guy got too lovey. I was always the one that broke the hearts.

It took a while for me to give into the notion that neither party should have any more control that the other. It should be this 50-50 thing that you both are in it and you both can be equally hurt.

We also talk about this 100% thing and how the ideal relationship is one that you have your 100% of what you are looking for. Lois always said she had 60% with KC because she had the house and the family and felt comfortable, but didn’t have the happiness and the social life she wanted. We tell each other that we each have our 100%. The happiness, the comfort, the social life, the 50-50 relationship balance, the good relationship with each other’s families, our child, etc. In what we want out of life and a relationship, we both have our 100%.

Lois is this amazing, wonderful person. Everyone who meets her is automatically drawn in. You can’t fight it. I continuously wonder what it is that I have that keeps her with me.

When I met Lois, I was 5’7” and 138 lbs, a size 8. I had long blonde hair and drove a red Cabrio convertible. Driving around town with the top down with a baseball hat on, golf clubs and Akita, Sam, in the backseat. I think I might have been a little cute. When I got on the scale in May, I weighed…ahem…205. I had pulled the old “bait and switch” on Lois and yet she kept me around. I’m working on that dear!

Lois lights me up when she walks into a room, or when I make eye contact with her at a party, or when she calls me at work and I hear her voice. I think she’s absolutely adorable in a ratty t-shirt and boxer shorts. She’s much better looking than I am!

On our 10^th anniversary, March 2010, I am taking her to Hawaii! This is officially the longest relationship for both of us (my longest pre-Lois was about 6 months! LOL!) and I just can’t imagine a day when we will not be together!

So, maybe we will be living happily ever after, right?

I feel like I’ve really dragged this story on. I’m sorry for boring the pants off everyone. That’s pretty much it. We’ve had drama along the way, not like Denise’s story, I’m sure I’ve left some stuff out that I just can’t remember right now.

Thanks to everyone who stuck to the story. I feel like I should hand out a prize to those who completed it!

Ok, maybe a little prize at the bottom.

Our happily ever after might, just might, include a Mommy H. TTC adventure beginning in the next 6-12 months….just maybe.

Don’t skip ahead. It’s you haven’t read Part I yet, scroll down and do it first!

Now, I don’t really know why I felt the need to paste my life story on the internet for all to see, but we’ve created this little group of friends out there who we now know so much about and many of whom have shared their own stories.

So, here we go…Part two

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During those 3 months when we were hanging out more and more (January – March), I knew I was becoming more and more interested in Lois. She had introduced me to other people who were part of the local college former athletes group who were closer in age, but I was not interested in them.

Lois was 32 and I was 23. She had so much more life experience and she had kids! I didn’t care what her baggage was, I just enjoyed spending time with her.

There were several opportunities before that night that I realized that I wanted to kiss her, but I just didn’t have the guts. I think I had to be ready to understand what it all meant.

After we hooked up, it all made sense to me. The friends I had acquired in those few months were mostly lesbian and I felt “at home.” I know how corny that sounds. When I had the realization that I was gay, I wasn’t freaked out at all.

We had a lusty, gooey relationship in the beginning. We both were temporarily living with our parents, so our time to get together was limited. She would leave notes on my car at school wishing me good luck on our tennis match and telling me she couldn’t wait to see me again. It took us several months until one night she said “I think I kinda like you” and “I think I would be sad if we didn’t see each other again.” I was not one to give out the “love” word either, so we beat around the bush for some time. I hung out with my new friends most of the summer and would lie to my parents about their names. I would throw in “Chris” and “Pat” to appease my mother’s fears.

One day, Lois came to my parents’ house to help me out with something and my father totally had her pegged. My mother asked me if my friend Lois was “weird.” Weird???

THE LAW SCHOOL YEARS AND COMING OUT TO THE FAMILY

5 months after we got together, I prepared myself to leave for law school. School was 3 hours away and when I left, we both had the understanding that this would probably be the beginning of the end for us.

August and September were definitely tenuous. Lois came down to visit every weekend and I hated it when she left. In October, I was home for a golf tournament with my mother and after the night-before-the-tournament-dinner, when my mother was a few glasses of wine into the night, I sat her down at our kitchen table and told her that I was dating a woman.

She blinked and asked about the guys I used to like. She then seemed to have total comprehension, told me that she had guessed as much and was disappointed that I had to lie to her for so long. She also told me that she would tell my father when he was ready. “You do realize that your father is especially protective of you out of all of you kids?” She went through how much it affected my father when I was so, so sick as a baby and how he is so close and protective of me. Funny, I never got that sense – my dad is not one who expresses his emotions too well.

I had already told my brother. He was overjoyed and even offered to have his wife perform a Unitarian ceremony if we wanted. My sister was indifferent. She asked if I was happy and that was all she cared about. My mom’s friends were very happy and supportive. I couldn’t have asked for better responses from so many people.

Shortly after I started law school, Lois’ company went under and she was unemployed. She took the opportunity to move to New Jersey with me and temp for a few months. For 3 months, we lived together until she got the Put Lake house from her father and moved back home. We then spent every school vacation with each other in her little red house. I still had a little partying left in me during law school and tried to drag her out into Philly several times, but she grew tired of that. I also made friends who I would hang out with (some lesbian friends) during the week, but NEVER, NEVER considered being with anyone else.

Several times during the first year or so, I would be an asshole and test Lois. She would come down for the weekend and I would have this feeling of “being left” when she would have to return home. She was so torn about needing to make a 3 hour drive at the wee hours of a Monday morning just to make me happy. I wasn’t easy on her.

In no time, my law school friends because Lois’ friends and our place almost became the weekend hangout. Part of it was because she’s so loveable but it was mostly due to the fact that she was (still is) an incredible cook and poor law students didn’t eat like that normally.

When I first arrived at law school, I thought I was totally in over my head. During orientation, a girl next to me announced that she was valedictorian of her college graduating class. I was a B- student at Marist, not exactly Ivy League. But, I did very well my first semester. I had never read much or studied much in my life. I dove in and read every case 2-3 times during that first semester. I participated in class and actually got one of the most coveted (and uncommon) things in law school. I received an A+ in one of my classes that first year (Contracts).

My best friend during my first year of law school was JAG. He was an ex-Army conservative from Virginia. We would debate politics endlessly and usually spar during our Constitutional Law classes. But we’d hang out after hours on his porch drinking scotch and puffing on cigars. Neither his fiancée or my girlfriend was concerned about our friendship. But several of our co-students were pretty sure something was going on. We thought it was hysterical!

During law school, Lois and I would have time goals. “Only 13 weeks until Christmas!” and “only 38 days until you are home for the summer”. It got us through.

There were definitely moments during school – the first year especially – that we both thought we were over. Law school is notorious for breaking up relationships that started off with a much more solid history than we had!

Lois totally supported me through school and I never, ever would have survived if it wasn’t for her. We had the individuality to do our own thing during the week and still be totally devoted and monogamous. We were never jealous or concerned about our commitment to each other. And everyone embraced us.

Somehow, I became very active at the law school and was “out” almost from day one. I even was the President of the GLBT law student organization while also being President of the student government. I never thought law students could be liberal enough to totally embrace who I was.

Every summer vacation, I lived with Lois and we started hanging out with my family more, at holidays and even for an occasional dinner. I think my mother really started to enjoy meeting us out for dinner when my father was out of town.

THE GIRLS AND A COURT BATTLE

During this same time (around my first year of law school), Lois’ ex took away any time between Lois and the twins. They were 3 ½. Lois was devastated and had always thought her ex wouldn’t act the way she was acting. It took some major, major strength, but Lois did something she never, even had done before. She stood up to her ex (let’s call her KC).

She hired the best GLBT attorney in the State of Connecticut and she took her ex to court for visitation. It was the hardest thing she had ever done and it was an uphill battle.

KC accused Lois of ruining her life, etc. She sat in depositions and attempted to downplay Lois’ role in everything. The deposition involved many “I do not recall” responses to what Lois actually did. KC was not a “mom” – Lois was always the primary caretaker. She did EVERYTHING for the girls.

KC was the bio-mom but the girls were never her priority. After she and Lois broke up, KC immediately (like 2 days later) took off to join her new girlfriend on the LPGA tour and spent 4-5 days a week away from her children by choice (don’t get me started about KC as a person).

One story that Lois had told her lawyer was that Lois was going to school full time, doing the grocery shopping and taking care of the girls. She got up with them every single night when they woke up crying. One night, she was very sick and she put the baby monitor on KC’s side of the bed. When one of the babies started crying, KC elbowed Lois and said “is that them?” waking her up and making Lois take care of the kids.

We had all of the evidence on our side. KC had given Lois a card prior to the girls being born and said she could wait to be a parent with her. Lois was on the baptism certificate (however, KC did attempt to get the church to issue a new baptism certificate without Lois on it, but our friend worked at the church and derailed KC’s plans). Lois had a shoe box filled with evidence of who she was to the girls.

Lois had a very sympathetic judge and things looked really, really good. Then, the judge lashed out at KC’s lawyer. After the lash out, this judge recused herself from the case because she thought she was getting too emotionally involved and one-sided and couldn’t be impartial. We were devastated.

The new judge was a semi-retired old Irish Catholic male judge and we got scared. There was no real case law in Connecticut at the time, but there were many cases around the country that were relying on de facto parent arguments and Lois would clearly win with such a legal standard. However, as things became close to the big hearing date, a Connecticut Supreme Court decision was handed down that turned everything upside down. A grandparent visitation case had been decided and it created a new class of individuals basically as “third party” persons who had to be held to a much higher level and you need to show the biological parent as “unfit” to get anywhere. We were devastated.

The night before the hearing, Lois and I spent 2 hours on the phone with her attorney. A decision needed to be made. KC’s lawyer had offered a settlement stipulation and it was horrible. But if we fought any more, KC would refuse to let Lois see the girls and it could go on for years. We also didn’t have optimism that we even had a chance to win. So, we settled.

I cannot divulge the terms, but they will find out when they are 18 what really happened. It has been rough and they’ve said things to Lois such as “you broke mommy’s heart” or “you took all of mommy’s money in court”. WHAT??!? It’s funny what we’re not allowed to say to clear things up, but what they hear at home. The girls are wonderful and they have a very confusing home situation, so we are astounded at how they are turning out.

With the limited, very limited, time Lois has with them, she has made a significant impact. We decided that one Sunday night that any time Lois had with the girls would be worth so much more than nothing at all. And it would be healthy for them to have her in their lives! They pretty much know what she was to them – they ask questions all of the time. Over the years, they have argued with their mother for an overnight with us or more time, etc. But KC won’t budge. Someday, when the girls are old enough, we think they will be coming to us for advice and guidance.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Reading some of your “stories” like Denise and Caroline, I am inspired to write our story. It’s a little lengthy, so I understand if people lose interest.

In November of 1999, I was living in Hoboken, NJ and working in Manhattan. I hated my job, hated creating a sinking pit of debt and was tired of city life. My co-workers were all on a mission to make their first million by 30 and to wine and dine with the elite at 5-star restaurants.

My job was pretty much like cold calling financial portfolio managers trying to sell stock market research products. Our reviews were based on how much money we made for our 25 year old bosses. My “area” was NYC and Boston. No, and I mean, NO brokers or mutual fund managers want to talk on the phone for more than 3 seconds. I sucked at it and I didn’t care.

Fate intervened and I was fired. The first job I was ever laid off from in my entire life. I went home for Thanksgiving and ran into an old friend who owned a restaurant. She convinced me to move home and wait tables.

So I moved back home to CT, lived with mom and dad and took the step I never had the balls to take before, I sat for my LSATs to get into law school. When I took them, the test site was at Yale Law School and most of the other people taking it were Yale students. I felt like I was totally out of my league. They had studied for months, and I had only spent 2 hours with a LSAT CD program.

I took the test and got into the waiting tables/bartending scene. I was pretty much a wreck. I had control of nothing and began drinking too much. It’s pretty easy to do when you close the restaurant and hang out drinking booze for free with your coworkers until all hours.

The drinking was not the best thing. I have a slight family history of depressed alcoholics. I was fun when I was drinking, but it was an escape. The spiral started several months earlier when my grandfather committed suicide on my birthday. I think I used that as an excuse to not give a shit about very much.

In December, I met Laura. Laura became a regular at the restaurant where I worked and she was one of the funniest people I had ever met in my life. It was pretty obvious that she was gay, and I felt totally comfortable with her. Laura started bringing her buddy, Lois around.

The first time I met Lois, I will never forget it.

Now, let me back up here. Up to this point in my life, I had never been with a woman, or even thought of being with a woman. I had crushes on women from time to time, but didn’t think they were physical crushes. I was in an upscale sorority in college and was pretty sure I was straight. Now when I look back, it all makes sense how much I despised sex with men.

So, back to the first time I met Lois.

I was working through lunch and dinner and was partially manning the bar at the same time. When I came around the corner, Laura was sitting at the bar with this cute girl. I definitely did a double take.

Laura was writing her life story out on a legal pad. It was hysterical. She stopped me as I walked by and asked me who I would cast to play me in a movie about my life. I said “Helen Hunt” and they both nodded in approval. I was introduced to Lois and I definitely checked her out again.

The next time I came through the bar area, they stopped me again and asked me if I liked Melissa Etheridge. I said “sorta” and went back to my business. They later told me they were trying to find out what team I played for.

I got a job as a permanent substitute teacher for the local high school (my alma mater) and also was offered the position of varsity tennis coach. Since I was a pretty good tennis player in my day (I went to college on a tennis scholarship), I jumped on it.

I had a great time teaching at the high school and was soon offered a position working with a group of troubled freshman and helping out older, need to retire teachers who couldn’t control their classrooms. I was 23 years old and the kids loved me. They loved me because I treated them like people, not little kids. But, when they acted out, I wouldn’t be a pushover. I had a kid give me shit one day because I turned him in for picking up a chair and trying to throw it out a window.

The girls on the tennis team were wonderful. We hadn’t had a winning team for years and I think (I’m not sure how this happened) I promised them that if they beat the best team in the league, I would get a tattoo in their honor. Not the best idea, but that’s how I got the sunflower on my shoulder.

Lois and Laura were on a mission to “save me” from myself. I started hanging out with them more and more and

One night, they brought me to the local gay bar. I was wearing nice clothes and carried a bag/satchel which they have not let me live down to this day! “YOU CAN’T WEAR A PURSE TO A GAY BAR!”

The night of the gay bar, Lois drove us all in her minivan (she had a minivan) – sexy, huh – and we listened to the Carpenters the entire way. I was in the bar for 30 seconds when my nightmare happened. I was recognized and my name was shouted across a room-full of people.

K. was an old tennis friend from 10 years prior and she was elated to see me there. K is a bachelor in every sense of the word. She’s smart but eccentric and she usually has a different girl every week.

One night, after one of our bar jaunts, we went to the diner at 2 am to sober up and K. gave me a ride back to my car. As we sat in the parking lot and bullshitted about all the people we knew, she told me I had to come to her house for dinner and actually drew me a map of how to get to her house (something she denies to this day). As we were sitting in the car at 3 am (and nothing was happening), we see headlights in the mirrors and who pulls up but Laura and Lois, checking in to make sure K wasn’t taking advantage of me. LOL! To this day, K ribs Lois about how K was backing off because I was too young and Lois swooped in there in the meantime!

During this whole time, Lois kept telling herself not to get involved with me. There were 1,000 blinking red signs saying “stay away” from this young, destructive wreck. Lois had her own baggage. She had split up with her ex 6 months prior and was fighting with the ex to be able to see their 3 year old twins as much as possible. She also had a brief relationship with a woman in between August and December and was trying to get out of that. After 7 years with her ex, she basically left with absolutely nothing (except a Rubbermaid of white turtleneck shirts – we NEVER joke about that) and she was living in her parents’ basement. She was reconnecting with her family who she hadn’t spoken to in 7 years. We both were WRECKS.

In early 2000, I got the results from my LSATs and actually had an impressive score. Law schools were contacting me to apply. I had a scholarship offer for a 4th tier law school in Connecticut and one for a 2nd tier law school in New Jersey. I took the New Jersey offer thinking I had no reason not to get out of Connecticut.

In March 2000, I did have a reason to stay. On March 20, 2000 (I remember the date because our New Paltz wedding ended up being March 20, 2004), I skipped out of my new job waiting tables at Chili’s and went to Lois’. We watched the worst move of all time, Eyes Wide Shut, and were hanging out on the couch bed. I spent 30 minutes inching closer to her and she spent most of that time inching away from me. I persisted and won out. LOL!

Lois spent the next few weeks asking me when I was going to “freak out” and it never happened. I was so relieved.

TO BE CONTINUED…