2 Mommies and 2 Boys

Don’t skip ahead. It’s you haven’t read Part I yet, scroll down and do it first!

Now, I don’t really know why I felt the need to paste my life story on the internet for all to see, but we’ve created this little group of friends out there who we now know so much about and many of whom have shared their own stories.

So, here we go…Part two

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During those 3 months when we were hanging out more and more (January – March), I knew I was becoming more and more interested in Lois. She had introduced me to other people who were part of the local college former athletes group who were closer in age, but I was not interested in them.

Lois was 32 and I was 23. She had so much more life experience and she had kids! I didn’t care what her baggage was, I just enjoyed spending time with her.

There were several opportunities before that night that I realized that I wanted to kiss her, but I just didn’t have the guts. I think I had to be ready to understand what it all meant.

After we hooked up, it all made sense to me. The friends I had acquired in those few months were mostly lesbian and I felt “at home.” I know how corny that sounds. When I had the realization that I was gay, I wasn’t freaked out at all.

We had a lusty, gooey relationship in the beginning. We both were temporarily living with our parents, so our time to get together was limited. She would leave notes on my car at school wishing me good luck on our tennis match and telling me she couldn’t wait to see me again. It took us several months until one night she said “I think I kinda like you” and “I think I would be sad if we didn’t see each other again.” I was not one to give out the “love” word either, so we beat around the bush for some time. I hung out with my new friends most of the summer and would lie to my parents about their names. I would throw in “Chris” and “Pat” to appease my mother’s fears.

One day, Lois came to my parents’ house to help me out with something and my father totally had her pegged. My mother asked me if my friend Lois was “weird.” Weird???

THE LAW SCHOOL YEARS AND COMING OUT TO THE FAMILY

5 months after we got together, I prepared myself to leave for law school. School was 3 hours away and when I left, we both had the understanding that this would probably be the beginning of the end for us.

August and September were definitely tenuous. Lois came down to visit every weekend and I hated it when she left. In October, I was home for a golf tournament with my mother and after the night-before-the-tournament-dinner, when my mother was a few glasses of wine into the night, I sat her down at our kitchen table and told her that I was dating a woman.

She blinked and asked about the guys I used to like. She then seemed to have total comprehension, told me that she had guessed as much and was disappointed that I had to lie to her for so long. She also told me that she would tell my father when he was ready. “You do realize that your father is especially protective of you out of all of you kids?” She went through how much it affected my father when I was so, so sick as a baby and how he is so close and protective of me. Funny, I never got that sense – my dad is not one who expresses his emotions too well.

I had already told my brother. He was overjoyed and even offered to have his wife perform a Unitarian ceremony if we wanted. My sister was indifferent. She asked if I was happy and that was all she cared about. My mom’s friends were very happy and supportive. I couldn’t have asked for better responses from so many people.

Shortly after I started law school, Lois’ company went under and she was unemployed. She took the opportunity to move to New Jersey with me and temp for a few months. For 3 months, we lived together until she got the Put Lake house from her father and moved back home. We then spent every school vacation with each other in her little red house. I still had a little partying left in me during law school and tried to drag her out into Philly several times, but she grew tired of that. I also made friends who I would hang out with (some lesbian friends) during the week, but NEVER, NEVER considered being with anyone else.

Several times during the first year or so, I would be an asshole and test Lois. She would come down for the weekend and I would have this feeling of “being left” when she would have to return home. She was so torn about needing to make a 3 hour drive at the wee hours of a Monday morning just to make me happy. I wasn’t easy on her.

In no time, my law school friends because Lois’ friends and our place almost became the weekend hangout. Part of it was because she’s so loveable but it was mostly due to the fact that she was (still is) an incredible cook and poor law students didn’t eat like that normally.

When I first arrived at law school, I thought I was totally in over my head. During orientation, a girl next to me announced that she was valedictorian of her college graduating class. I was a B- student at Marist, not exactly Ivy League. But, I did very well my first semester. I had never read much or studied much in my life. I dove in and read every case 2-3 times during that first semester. I participated in class and actually got one of the most coveted (and uncommon) things in law school. I received an A+ in one of my classes that first year (Contracts).

My best friend during my first year of law school was JAG. He was an ex-Army conservative from Virginia. We would debate politics endlessly and usually spar during our Constitutional Law classes. But we’d hang out after hours on his porch drinking scotch and puffing on cigars. Neither his fiancée or my girlfriend was concerned about our friendship. But several of our co-students were pretty sure something was going on. We thought it was hysterical!

During law school, Lois and I would have time goals. “Only 13 weeks until Christmas!” and “only 38 days until you are home for the summer”. It got us through.

There were definitely moments during school – the first year especially – that we both thought we were over. Law school is notorious for breaking up relationships that started off with a much more solid history than we had!

Lois totally supported me through school and I never, ever would have survived if it wasn’t for her. We had the individuality to do our own thing during the week and still be totally devoted and monogamous. We were never jealous or concerned about our commitment to each other. And everyone embraced us.

Somehow, I became very active at the law school and was “out” almost from day one. I even was the President of the GLBT law student organization while also being President of the student government. I never thought law students could be liberal enough to totally embrace who I was.

Every summer vacation, I lived with Lois and we started hanging out with my family more, at holidays and even for an occasional dinner. I think my mother really started to enjoy meeting us out for dinner when my father was out of town.

THE GIRLS AND A COURT BATTLE

During this same time (around my first year of law school), Lois’ ex took away any time between Lois and the twins. They were 3 ½. Lois was devastated and had always thought her ex wouldn’t act the way she was acting. It took some major, major strength, but Lois did something she never, even had done before. She stood up to her ex (let’s call her KC).

She hired the best GLBT attorney in the State of Connecticut and she took her ex to court for visitation. It was the hardest thing she had ever done and it was an uphill battle.

KC accused Lois of ruining her life, etc. She sat in depositions and attempted to downplay Lois’ role in everything. The deposition involved many “I do not recall” responses to what Lois actually did. KC was not a “mom” – Lois was always the primary caretaker. She did EVERYTHING for the girls.

KC was the bio-mom but the girls were never her priority. After she and Lois broke up, KC immediately (like 2 days later) took off to join her new girlfriend on the LPGA tour and spent 4-5 days a week away from her children by choice (don’t get me started about KC as a person).

One story that Lois had told her lawyer was that Lois was going to school full time, doing the grocery shopping and taking care of the girls. She got up with them every single night when they woke up crying. One night, she was very sick and she put the baby monitor on KC’s side of the bed. When one of the babies started crying, KC elbowed Lois and said “is that them?” waking her up and making Lois take care of the kids.

We had all of the evidence on our side. KC had given Lois a card prior to the girls being born and said she could wait to be a parent with her. Lois was on the baptism certificate (however, KC did attempt to get the church to issue a new baptism certificate without Lois on it, but our friend worked at the church and derailed KC’s plans). Lois had a shoe box filled with evidence of who she was to the girls.

Lois had a very sympathetic judge and things looked really, really good. Then, the judge lashed out at KC’s lawyer. After the lash out, this judge recused herself from the case because she thought she was getting too emotionally involved and one-sided and couldn’t be impartial. We were devastated.

The new judge was a semi-retired old Irish Catholic male judge and we got scared. There was no real case law in Connecticut at the time, but there were many cases around the country that were relying on de facto parent arguments and Lois would clearly win with such a legal standard. However, as things became close to the big hearing date, a Connecticut Supreme Court decision was handed down that turned everything upside down. A grandparent visitation case had been decided and it created a new class of individuals basically as “third party” persons who had to be held to a much higher level and you need to show the biological parent as “unfit” to get anywhere. We were devastated.

The night before the hearing, Lois and I spent 2 hours on the phone with her attorney. A decision needed to be made. KC’s lawyer had offered a settlement stipulation and it was horrible. But if we fought any more, KC would refuse to let Lois see the girls and it could go on for years. We also didn’t have optimism that we even had a chance to win. So, we settled.

I cannot divulge the terms, but they will find out when they are 18 what really happened. It has been rough and they’ve said things to Lois such as “you broke mommy’s heart” or “you took all of mommy’s money in court”. WHAT??!? It’s funny what we’re not allowed to say to clear things up, but what they hear at home. The girls are wonderful and they have a very confusing home situation, so we are astounded at how they are turning out.

With the limited, very limited, time Lois has with them, she has made a significant impact. We decided that one Sunday night that any time Lois had with the girls would be worth so much more than nothing at all. And it would be healthy for them to have her in their lives! They pretty much know what she was to them – they ask questions all of the time. Over the years, they have argued with their mother for an overnight with us or more time, etc. But KC won’t budge. Someday, when the girls are old enough, we think they will be coming to us for advice and guidance.

TO BE CONTINUED…