What do most couples fight about??
SEX and MONEY
I know it’s true for us as well.
Usually because I’m not getting enough of A. and not allowed to spend enough of B.
Yes, I am definitely the higher maintenance one (a.k.a. “brat”) in the relationship.
Money is always a bone of contention with us. I am not a ridiculous shopper in terms of wanting $200 shoes or handbags, but I always seem to think we “need” things like NY Y@nkees flip-flops or that Andrew needs ride-on R@dio Flyer airplane, etc.
Lois got tired of nagging me, so we switched roles and I was responsible for the bills. Apparently, this was a terrible idea. I thought I was so smart and created a beautiful spreadsheet. Wrote out all the pay days for 3 months, all of the due dates of every bill, what we spend monthly on gas, food, etc.
I started this mid-December. On the February 14th due date for our mortgage payment, my spreadsheet has us one entire mortgage payment in the red before the mortgage comes out.
I panicked and basically threw it all back at Lois. She has a talent. It involves the big picture. She plays with due dates, minimum payments, etc. and has it all fixed again.
The thing is that I hate living paycheck to paycheck. I thought after spending a flippin’ fortune on my law school education, I wouldn’t be living paycheck to paycheck ever again.
Lately, I have been an absolute bear to live with. My wife is patient and incredible in every way.
Work is frustrating as hell and I think it’s been very hard for me to leave my dissatisfaction at the office.
I keep thinking about moving to the new town and how wonderful it will be to have more space, live in a nicer area, have a 2 car garage and a lawn, live with my mother and SPLIT THE BILLS IN HALF! But the condo isn’t getting a single bite and it’s looking pretty gloomy in the near future.
I get frustrated at my in-laws and get very sensitive to how involved or overbearing I feel they are but we need them to watch him so much.
I am frustrated that I lost 20 lbs on WW from May to September and have done nothing to lose the remaining 30 since then because I am stuck in a rut.
It’s very easy for me to get down and feel defeated. I know that I have bouts of depression and it’s so easy to fall victim to it. I have been in much, much worse shape in other points in my life.
Why should I feel depressed?
- I have this incredible little boy that adds so much to my life.
- I have an amazing and wonderful partner whom I love to the ends of the earth.
- I have great friends who mean so much to us.
- I have a job at a firm that so many people would love to have.
- I have a fantastic family who is so supportive of us in every way.
- I have my health (fat and out-of-shape, but not sick).
- My wife and my boy are both happy and healthy.
- We have a wonderful church community who has embraced us totally and completely.
- I have a roof over my head, diapers and food for the kid, food for the wife and I and we both have cars that are currently without issue (KNOCKING ON WOOD)
It’s very hard for me to be excited and focused about work due but I have to change my outlook get things accomplished.
It’s very hard to be happy in other parts when I feel that some things just aren’t working out, but I have to leave my frustration at work.
I don’t want to come home and take anything out on my fabulous spouse. She doesn’t deserve to be dumped on.
Every day, I am going to take steps to make sure I don’t forget these good things.
Every single day, I will do something that is a step of self-improvement. Anything.
Whether it’s reading snippets of legal writing or grammar books to improve my “weaknesses” in the workplace, or getting my ass on the treadmill, or doing something to make myself or my family better, I will do something every day.
Most importantly, I will not lose sight of all the good things that I have and how lucky I am.
Sara said,
February 6, 2008 at 3:51 pm
So sorry that you are having a down time right now. Yes, you do have so much going for you, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t have a bad day/week or whatever.
I think your plan to pick something everyday to do for your situation is a great idea! I”m glad you and Lois have each other, and I hope that you are doing better soon. If you’re anything like me, spring will help things considerably! Keep taking care of yourself!
denise said,
February 6, 2008 at 4:10 pm
I hate living paycheck to paycheck too. Hang in there my friend. Hugs.
Keri said,
February 6, 2008 at 5:13 pm
Money is hard. We’re opposite in that it’s Cristy who loves to spend. Lucky for her, she also keeps track of the finance’s so by the time I figure out how much we have, it’s too late.
Keep reminding yourself just how lucky you are. Keep that list close by when you have days like this.
Ky said,
February 6, 2008 at 5:20 pm
I handle 100% of the finances in our house. This is a blessing because I can do what I want with the money. This is a curse because when something goes wrong financially it is my neck on the line. Interestingly enough, in our house we fight about two things too – one of them is money – but the other is B’s mother. I would LOVE to fight about sex instead – cause it leads to make up sex right?
Depression is a sneaky devil. You can have the world going for you – and still feel blue and sometimes for no reason (not an apparent one anyway). Hang in there. I think you are handling it the best way possible, by reminding yourself of what you have and even better by DOING things that will make that list longer.
holly said,
February 6, 2008 at 6:39 pm
Ky – actually, we do fight a lot about Lois’ mother. That is starting to be our BIGGEST issue. And another reason why I can’t wait to be further away from her when we move to the new town.
meg said,
February 6, 2008 at 7:29 pm
It happens to the best of us! Even though we do have SO MUCH to be thankful for, it is okay to feel down or have a bad day. Hang in there…. your condo will sell here one day and that move will be great for you guys!
KJand the Kids said,
February 6, 2008 at 8:11 pm
I will tell you. This sounds so winter to me.
That down that you feel when you haven’t had enough sunshine.
It’s harder to sell homes in the winter. People just don’t want to move in the cold. Once things warms up a bit….you’ll get bites…just you wait.
If not, change realitors…that’s their job to bring bites in.
You don’t like your job so that is totally bringing you down. other than that sister you have EVERYTHING and I have nothing. No no no just kidding. you really do have a lot to be grateful for. When the weather warms up and you kick on those fabulous yankee flip flops you will find that old lovin feeling.
Sonya said,
February 6, 2008 at 8:20 pm
Inspiring!
merr said,
February 6, 2008 at 8:28 pm
We usually fight about sex or the lack thereof. It just doesn’t happen very much any more. We don’t really fight about money. We are both on the same page with that one. We have every penny budgeted for the month and there is no room to waver. We finally don’t live paycheck to paycheck. We actually can allow ourselves $50 of spending money every weekend to do whatever. We never buy so much as a candy bar without the other knowing.
I am sorry you are in a rut. I think it is the winter time blues too. Once the weather warms up, you’ll get hits on your house and you can get out more to exercise if you want. I feel stuck too. I have lost 43 lbs in a year and I want to lose more but I am stuck. I am fluctuating up and down. i really should get on the treadmill as well, but I hate it. I would much rather go for a family walk or bike ride. So all we need is a little sunshine!
Shannon said,
February 6, 2008 at 9:57 pm
Sorry to hear you’re down, but your post was inspiring, and I agree with what KJ said about the house – people will be out looking more once the warmer weather hits.
SassyFemme said,
February 7, 2008 at 12:22 am
With the cost of oil this winter and accumulated credit card debt (where the f* did that come from?!?!) we’re living paycheck to paycheck too. I don’t know anyone that hasn’t had to cut back right now, actually.
The weight will come off when the stress levels go down. Don’t worry about it so much right now. Look at how much you’ve already lost!
Renee and Janice said,
February 7, 2008 at 1:30 am
So sorry to hear this. We all definitely have our bad days.. no matter all the good in our lives. Just know that it’s okay and you will have brighter days ahead
Jen, the dismantled armadillo said,
February 7, 2008 at 3:40 am
I heart spreadsheets.
D
And spending money on shit I NEED.
::sigh:: thank god we have our girls to keep us in line, eh? ;o)
Seriously though I can’t tell you the number of times I have done that *very thing*. Usually at least once or twice a year I do the whole nine speadsheets due dates for everything and then lo and behold I invariably end up in the red.
Oh well, its not like I can help the fact that I NEED a matching Steelers bra and thong.
Um okay forget that. Bad image and totally untrue
Back to serious again! I’m glad you’re remembering those positives even when its tough. Just keep picturing your fantastic wife and kid and it’ll be all good!
Casey said,
February 7, 2008 at 4:03 am
Money. There is just never enough of it. Time with our loved ones – never enough of that either. Both lead to frustration, anger, heartache and more. I think it’s great that you are going to take steps to find the positive on which to focus every day. We all should do just that.
Breathe. Just breathe.
Life has a funny way of working out – even when we least expect it.
byzanicon said,
February 8, 2008 at 3:36 am
Uh, sex is definitely less frequent now that Boy is in the picture. I’m a morning person, but Boy still sleeps in our room (small condo) and he’s usually the first one awake and protesting loudly no less – not the right atmosphere for sex for sure.
D takes care of the bills and he’s awesome at it. Everything manages to get paid more or less on time. We also have a weekly allowance that we give ourselves for gas, food on the go, etc.
A couple years ago we had credit card debt hanging over us that was making us feel a bit overwhelmed, so we picked up “Smart Couples Finish Rich” by David Bach … http://search.barnesandnoble.com/booksearch/isbninquiry.asp?r=1&ean=9780767904841&z=y … We’re not rich for sure, but we’ve gotten a bit out of the hole and on the right track. We’re loaded with education debt now. Good thing there’s this thing called forebearance.
You’ve got a beautiful boy (Happy 1st Birthday, Andrew!) and a wonderful partner in Lois, that sure is something to take refuge in. I know I just can’t be miserable when I’m around Boy. Everything takes place in its own time and sometimes we don’t even know what it is we really need. Have faith in things as they come your way and live in the moment as much as you can. Have you checked out that book yet? It’s sure helping me.
As Casey said, breathe.
Erin said,
February 8, 2008 at 5:10 am
I hear ya sister. I feel the same way right now. I agree with KJ – winter! Hope things look up soon…
Dee said,
February 8, 2008 at 10:04 pm
Hey, I’m the brat too. But mostly it’s just over money. I like to spend, spend, spend. But like you they are on things I think we need. Like new shelves for the storage room.
And like you we did the same thing. I took over the bills a year or so ago. Not a good idea! Like you guys, Shelly is now in charge again.
I love how you pulled this together to focus on all the wonderful things you have versus focusing on the negative. I believe positive breeds positive and negative – negative. I also think the damns season have something to do with it. I get so blue during the winter because I need green grass and sunshine.
Finally, you will be here SOON! That will only make things better!
othermother2b said,
February 9, 2008 at 2:17 pm
I can relate to this blog. I like how you are focusing on the good things in your life. Looking at yourself for improvement and focused on what’s best for you and your family. I believe you are making the world a better place by taking time to really look at yourself, examine your feelings, come up with a possible resolution by looking in the mirror first.