I read the book Belly*Laughs by Jenny*McCarthy in about an hour and a half on the train to NYC Tuesday. Now, I’m not a fan of hers by any stretch, but I found the book amusing. What’s funny is that I could really associate with a lot of the things she talked about.
It also made us realize how many things I have with my pregnancy that Lo didn’t have with hers.
Now, before I start, let me just say that I do believe pregnancy is really an amazing, beautiful and wonderful thing. I’m very thankful that I have the ability to experience this and we are very blessed to have our second healthy baby boy on the way.
That being said, there are some realities of pregnancy that need to be talked about. If you don’t want to hear about it or don’t need to know about the non-pretty details of pregnancy, move on to another blog.
Many of my straight girlfriends tell me how lucky I am to have a spouse who has gone through pregnancy and can be totally empathetic while their husbands have no idea what it’s like. I guess that can be twofold. Lo does know about some of the rough patches of pregnancy, but the other thing is that if I have a symptom that she didn’t have, she probably just thinks I’m being whiney and wussy. (Not that she’s actually verbalized it, but I’m pretty sure she’s thinking it from time to time.)
Now, Lo did have that whole incompetent cervix thing and 8 weeks of strict bed rest. That sucked. She also had morning sickness for 7 weeks where she threw up all the time and she endured heartburn for most of the pregnancy. Oh yeah, she also got through the back labor and tornado-like delivery without any drugs when she was 100% sure she wanted drugs.
In short, I really can’t complain about much.
But I definitely have some different things going on.
Morning sickness
My morning sickness didn’t actually involve much puking. I was just in a constant state of total nausea. I really wished I could throw up. I kept thinking I would feel better if I threw up. For someone who abhors puking, I was begging for the ability to just throw up and feel better. How come when Lo had morning sickness, she could puke and get right back to life and eating normal foods. Totally not fair.
Stretch marks
Lo does not have one stretch mark. I searched. I find that unfair. I, on the other hand, have all kinds of skin things going on. I have a bumpy rash on my sides, I have a weird totally unattractive grouping of stretch marks directly below my belly button and I’m pretty sure there are many more places that look horrific, but I’m not going to look too hard.
Swelling
Now, I don’t appear swollen yet. I remember when my 5 foot nothing sister gained 50 lbs or so when she had her son and her little size 6 feet looked like Fred*Flintstone’s. I think my feet, ankles and hands all still appear normal, but appearance can fool a pregnant girl.
My wedding band is almost too tight. I debate putting it on every day for fear of not being able to take it off. I often take it off at work while I’m typing just so I don’t feel uncomfortable.
My feet have grown. Again, they don’t appear swollen, but my comfortable shoes are very, very tight. This really hit a critical point last week when I wore my Crocs to the car, drove to work, then put on a pair of brown flats that were in my car. They felt a wee bit tight, but I had no other choice. The 2 blocks from the parking garage to my office was like enduring a ½ marathon stilettos.
I wore my Lands_End all weather moccasin shoes for the remainder of the week – I can’t even fit into my favorite Franco_Sarto shoes. This weekend, Lo found me a pair of shoes at Payless that look a little like shoes my grandmother owns, with a little extra support. They should be fine for work, but the scary thing is that they are size 11!
I’ve had a tough time my whole life finding shoes in a size 10, what will I do if I will now be a size 11 until the end of time? What are the chances that my height will spike up 3-4 more inches so I can at least be proportionately as tall as my shoe size depicts?
Hip pain and Muscle cramps
Do I need to even explain this? As you may remember, I had hip pain very early on in the pregnancy, like weeks into it. I have felt pretty good for some time, but it has returned. I am going back to the exercises I did back then (yes, that I should have been doing all along). And I’m trying to find some sleeping comfort with the body pillow.
I still have the prenatal yoga DVD in the living room. I have not used it yet. Not even once. It is occurring to me that my body is 8 weeks away from delivering a baby and these aches and pains will only get worse as the baby gains ½ lb per week. Hence, START THE YOGA YOU LAZY ASS!
Charlie horse pains have returned as well. I can’t honestly remember even in my life having a Charlie Horse before now. I mean, I’ve done a lot of things to my body, played competitive sports, broken bones, pulled muscles, sprained all kinds of things, etc. A Charlie Horse hurts. It really fucking hurts at 3:00 am when you are barely awake and decide to just slowly stretch out that leg that is starting to cramp. Then, that Charlie Horse hits your calf like a freight train and you try your best to massage it vigorously (if you can comfortably reach your calf) and not wake up your sleeping partner. It usually involves jumping out of bed and trying to “walk it off” without making too much of a ruckus to wake up everyone else in the house.
Crotch pain and vaginal discharge
TMI for most people, I know. But for the love of all things, how come nobody talks about this. None of my girlfriends warned me about (a) constantly feeling like your uterus is falling out of your crotch or (b) vaginal discharge.
I’ve had to google some things to make sure I didn’t have some crazy ass pregnancy symptoms that meant something horrible.
Crankiness
I don’t think I’ve been especially cranky lately, but I definitely feel a little more selfish than normal. For example, when we went to Sesame_Place for our little family adventure, Lo wanted to share a car with our friend, S and her 3 yr old K. I was adamant that I wanted to have our own car, for comfort and just convenience, I guess. I don’t really know WHY it was such a big deal to me, but it was.
Lo didn’t get why I was being such a princess about it and she was adamant about the money we’d save on gas and tolls (ahem, I drive a hybrid that gets 45 mpg and S’s car got probably around 22). Anyway, Lo won out and I just felt cranky and miserable about the whole thing since we didn’t have any family time alone together (we shared a hotel room with them too). Apparently, my crankiness showed and I must have just come across as a bitch all weekend.
I don’t think that Lo considers being pregnant an excuse for being bitchy. I’m working on this one.
Boobs
Your girlfriends will all warn you that your boobs will get bigger, sometimes exponentially bigger. Hell, this is no surprise, everyone knows that pregnant women gain extra boobage. What people don’t tell you is what your boobs may look like.
Again, Lo didn’t have any major issues in this area. I seem to have gotten all of the things that come with growing boobs. Hers got larger and remained, well, pretty.
Mine are not pretty. Let’s just say that most of my adult life, I’ve worn a 32 or 34C bra. (It may have gone into 36 during the law school years). I bought a bra a few days ago that was a 40D. And, I probably could have gone bigger.
In addition to the size, I also have an issue with the growing nipples. The McCarthy book actually may have coined the perfect analogy with the term “burnt pancakes”. Yep, that’s what pregnant lady nipples may look like.
On top of that, nipples can and may get harder. This makes it sometimes difficult to find the right shirt to wear out in public. Catch my drift?
You need the right mix of bra, maternity camisole and maternity shirt to wear to work to not show nipple action all day. I’ve found that just putting those annoying breast pads (usually for leakage) in the bra do help cut this down a little bit.
But, when you’re struggling to find something that’s work appropriate and actually fits to head to your professional place of work in the morning, it’s a big additional pain in the ass to try to figure out how to dress down your nipples.
On top of all this, your boobs may also turn blue. Yes, as in the color blue. Veins appear and your boobs will look like bad blue roadmaps. This, in addition to the growing belly and stretch marks can make for a beautiful pregnancy woman, but not a very attractive feeling one. I am considering removing one or two of the light bulbs in our bathroom. I think that may help.
Acid reflux/lactose intolerance
Yes, Lo had heartburn, so she gets the acid reflux thing. I have moved onto a prescription, but I seem to have the ability to “test” said prescription from time to time. I was lactose intolerant when I was a kid. I really haven’t had much issue with it in my adult life. And I really drank a lot of skim milk growing up, so I’m used to drinking milk on a daily basis.
Not the best idea any more. As I’ve said in previous posts, I can have my hot sauce on an egg sandwich in the morning and a full Mexican meal with extra jalapenos for lunch with no stomach or reflux issues at all. If I have a piece of chocolate cake and a small glass of milk in the afternoon, I’m screwed.
It’s a terrible feeling to have this “stuff” that always sitting between your throat and your, I don’t know, diaphragm? Or just feeling like you need to let small burps out all afternoon – especially while you are sitting in business or client meetings. Sometimes, it gets even better and makes you let out this noise that sounds like an injured seal or makes you throw up just a little. It’s totally awesome and uncontrollable.
And I shouldn’t necessarily blame it all on milk products. Acid reflux during pregnancy can be brought on by simply drinking water at the wrong time.
Heat
Another issue Lo didn’t really have. She’s cold all the time anyway. The other night, she really wanted to turn the heat on for the first time in probably 5 months. I begged her not to. As I got ready for bed, I opened the windows, turned the overhead fan on and put on my flimsiest T-shirt and a pair of boxers. She appeared in the doorway in sweatpants and a sweatshirt.
I am always warm. The extra body heat may eventually cause me to burst into flames. For the most part, I’m really able to handle it. Now that it’s cooling down in the Northeast, I can open my window at work and have full and total control of the temperature in my car to and from work. I also have my own A/C/heating unit in my office at work. I have a feeling that I will be blasting the A/C in my office in a few weeks. I did promise my secretary that I will close my door when I start doing this so she doesn’t freeze her ass off.
It becomes more of a problem when you don’t have any control over the heat situation. Last week, I was at a meeting with a few clients. We were in a small office at the client’s building, 3 men in a room with me, door closed, on the phone with an adverse party and their attorney. I was supposed to do most of the talking and negotiating. I swear it was 97 degrees in the room. I felt like I was having a hot flash, plus I had to pee (even though I made sure I went 2 minutes prior to the meeting). It was so bad, I almost couldn’t focus at all. I think I pulled it off, but after I hit the bathroom, I had to walk around outside in the 50 degree weather to get my body temperature down.
Peeing
Oh yes, we all really know about this. You have to pee constantly, yadda yadda yadda. But not only that, you have to pee suddenly. All it takes is one little baby foot or elbow or whatever to just land on your bladder for one second and you have to pee right then and there.
And don’t be mistaken, it really doesn’t matter if there is anything in your bladder or not. You may all of a sudden realize that you can’t wait 1 more minute and you rush to the bathroom. On your way to the bathroom, you realize that you just peed 5 minutes ago. It doesn’t matter, you have to go. You get there, sit down and ……nothing. Nothing is coming out. Why? Because your bladder is really bone dry, it’s just the baby poking at it trying to make you think you have to pee. But, while you’re there, might as well try to pee with all your might. You’ll have to go again (or think you have to go again) in about 12 minutes anyway.
- – - – - – - – - – - – - – -
Anyway, that’s my list for now. I’m sure there will be many more as things now progress into the final countdown.
8 weeks left. This is the time that things start just growing faster and the body feels like it’s been hit harder and harder, right?
At least, that’s what my girlfriends tell me.
